Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Nikki McKibbin's LiveJournal:

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Friday, April 11th, 2003
4:07 pm	Simon- What do you want from me? Would it be okay if I ran back to your arms and said I needed you? Not that I could, too much time has passed. Why can't you let things go let them rest in the place we forgot them for my sake, for your sake for Tristen's sake Current Mood: depressed Disclaimer (5 comments |comment on this)
Wednesday, April 9th, 2003
12:55 pm	Ruben! I bought it baby! Current Mood: bouncy Disclaimer (4 comments |comment on this)
10:04 am	I got a dozen long stemmed roses from Simon the yesterday. I put them down the garbage disposal. Current Mood: crappy Disclaimer (13 comments |comment on this)
Wednesday, April 2nd, 2003
4:26 pm	Fuck. Shock value. Tristen is all excited to start Kindergarten, where does the time go? I remember being young and having him and thinking my life was over..now he's going to go to school and I am so glad for all the time I spend with him. We built his sandbox, and he plays outside whenever the weather is good enough. He absolutely loves his room, we painted it blue and I let him splatter multicolored paint on the walls. I don't see why parents don't let their kids have fun...this way, he can live in a place that is his, that he created, and when he gets older and hates it, we'll redo it. We live right by theis beautiful park, and Tristen likes to walk over there in the evenings. Sometimes we run into a neighbor girl who is quickly becoming best friends with him. They hold hands and walk along the cement...I ask him about it later but he blushes and says 'Mo-om!' and ignores my questions. I'm not seeing anyone right now, and I have no intention of doing so. I really am planning to live my life alone, with Tristen and perhaps another child if I ever feel I can provide the time and money needed. Current Mood: tired Disclaimer (2 comments |comment on this)
Tuesday, March 18th, 2003
12:41 pm	Not pregnant. I'm really really really really really glad. If I were, it would be Simon's, and another 'accidental baby' by a father I don't want involved with would not be a good thing. I would much rather have a baby from an anonymous donor, maybe I'll think about it when I am settled in. Right now, Alexis and AJ are helping me get the last of my stuff piled into the empty rooms of my new house. Tristen and I have been using every spare second building him a sandbox. He wants a treehouse too, but when summer comes, we'll see. My new store looks beautiful, and I told Alexis she should go into interior design. It's opening on Friday! Can't wait! Current Mood: happy Disclaimer (1 comment |comment on this)
Thursday, March 13th, 2003
12:51 pm	First of all, I have been missing my period. Fuck. I'm on birth control, so I don't get it. Second of all, Tristen and I will be moving into our brand new house this weekend, and my business will be opening the weekend after. I am going to be so busy, but luckily I have a few good friends to help me out. Haven't been keeping up with AI2, sorry kids, but I was sorry to hear that Vanessa was voted out..I was pulling for her. Current Mood: anxious Disclaimer (2 comments |comment on this)
Tuesday, March 4th, 2003
4:18 pm	I am trying very hard to figure out the vendetta the rest of the (original) top 10 have developed against me. Maybe I never noticed it before. Maybe I just don't care. Current Mood: apathetic Disclaimer (2 comments |comment on this)
Monday, February 24th, 2003
5:07 pm	I don't know what it is, but something about seeing a daddy with his baby makes me ache inside. I try to be a mommy and a daddy to Tristen, but sometimes I just wish he had a man in his life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the desperate woman that searches high and low for a father for her illegitimate child, but it does make me sad. I don't know if it's the season or looking for kindergarten for Tristen or buying this house or a combination of it all, but I'm starting to want another baby. I guess I don't feel the 'need' a lot of women do for security, love, support. I'm fine. I just miss when Tristen was so tiny and I would rock him to sleep every night. He gets bigger and bigger every day. He's still my son, my little boy, I just can't really explain this ache I feel lately. I really can't. Current Mood: melancholy Disclaimer (1 comment |comment on this)
Monday, February 10th, 2003
10:23 am	LOL! Simon blocked me from his journal. How can it be he can't take me fucking around with him like he used to? Simon, come on. When did you become a weak man? Current Mood: amused Disclaimer (7 comments |comment on this)
Tuesday, February 4th, 2003
2:32 pm	Nikki's back and better than ever. I went through a lot of thoughts these past few weeks. Number one of which was, 'should I keep my journal?'. I struggled with this question for a long time, and finally decided no. If I am going to delete, it will have nothing whatsoever to do with Simon. Number two was me trying not to be too pissed that I fucked him. Then I thought, well hell..he wasn't too bad, for a middle aged man. Don't get me wrong, I've had better from younger guys (And I'm sure he has had better too..back when he was a younger guy.) but Simon has nothing to be ashamed of. Sure, his endurance was a bit lacking but with the right amount of foreplay we did just fine. Have I said too much? Well sorry. ;-) Anyway, I'm still very worried about Alexis and AJ...he seems to be doing just fine with her but I worry about her health more than anything. Trust him sweetie, he's a great listener. Been meditating more now too, trying to get my balance back. I realized I will never be the same Nikki again, as my relationship with Simon touched me so deeply, that it ending made me an even stronger person. I feel like I can take on the world and no man will ever touch me again!! *powerful roar* :-) The last of my thoughts is where Tristen should go to Kindergarten. I've been looking at schools in our area of LA and am not too happy with what I have seen. I have the money to open a branch of my business up here, and I'm debating on that or going home. I have also been looking at houses. I'm very much in limbo now, trying to decide where to go, where to stay, what to do. Tristen needs a house to grow up in, with a backyard and a swingset and a treehouse...and I can give him that. I can give him everything. I asked Alexis and AJ if they would be willing to help me start this thing up here and they both sounded thrilled...so maybe I'll be staying in California. Tristen loves the beach. In any case, we will be moving soon so *yay*! Current Mood: happy Disclaimer (2 comments |comment on this)
Sunday, February 2nd, 2003
5:15 am	fuck fucking simon and fuck fucking american idol fuck the fucking fucked up press and fuck YOU! ;-p Current Mood: facetious Disclaimer (12 comments |comment on this)
Thursday, January 23rd, 2003
1:44 pm	I walked into Tristen's room yesterday, and sat him down to talk with him. He was wearing the black t-shirt Simon gave him that said 'T-man'. I pulled him into my lap and told him that Simon and I were not going to get married, and that he probably wouldn't see him as much anymore. My baby's eyes filled with tears as he snuggled against me, whispering he thought Simon was his special friend. I smiled at him through my own watery eyes, and there was nothing to say. How do you explain to a child that a person has come into their lives, acted like there was a future, and then walked out just as coldly and harshly as they came? How do you explain broken promises? I told Tristen what I believe. I believe that there are beautiful people in this world, so many people who are so kind and love others so much. I told him that he is one of the beautiful people, and that Simon is too. I also told him that sometimes we meet beautiful people who we love so much, and sometimes it just can't last. Not all the beautiful people can stay. We need to smile and feel so grateful when we meet one that touches our lives in so many good ways. I didn't mean the things I said to Simon about him being too old. I suppose I was just hurt. I knew that sometime I would have to let this go, Simon is not programmed for monogomy. No matter how many promises he makes, he will probably die alone. And I was willing to stay as long as he would have me. I think it got to the point that he needed to be cut free again, and I don't blame him. Feelings are strange. I'm hurt, I'm sad. I wish he could have told me these things without slamming my face in the ground to the newspapers. I will probably never understand that. I understand him. More than he wants to admit. All those times he touched my cheek and told me he loved me, all those times he would kiss my head while we were lying naked in each other's arms. He wanted to believe in forever, I know he did. I know he meant it when he said he wanted to grow old with me by his side. I know he meant it when he said I was going to be somebody, when he said we would have two children and he would be a father to Tristen. I know he never lied to me. I also know he changed. I've seen him change, over the course of my knowing him. And I would expect nothing less. I may not like what he becomes, but at least he has the decency to let me go. Like I have to let him go. And I am grateful, for what we had. I am happy in knowing my heart wasn't dead, and I am happy to know that I am a strong enough person to know when to let it die. Simon, I love you. I don't want you back, but I am eternally grateful. Thank-you. Nikki Current Mood: apathetic Disclaimer (comment on this)
Tuesday, January 21st, 2003
10:34 am	OH GOD I feel so relieved! How do you tell a man twice your age that you are no longer interested in long term commitments? Simon is a kind, wonderful man. For someone his own age. I want to go out drinking with friends, having fun, living life. I want to raise my son with someone who won't be senile when he's 19 years old. I even want to have more children Thank God Thanks Simon, I had a lot of laughs And I hope we can still stay friends. Love, Nikki Current Mood: relieved Disclaimer (2 comments |comment on this)
8:44 am	Up until two days ago, I was planning a mid summer wedding. It doesn't kill me that Simon didn't think I was good. He never did, I know that. What gets to me is that he has to keep bringing it up in the press. Like he has nothing new to talk about but how bad I was. Simon, you have always been entitled to your opinion. As far as I have seen, your record company is doing nothing to get me started recording. You hate me, that's your business. Lots of people liked my style and appreciated what I was doing. I cared for you as a person. What I don't understand is why you can't leave well enough alone. Let the past rest so we can look toward our future. If you can't do that, be honest with me and I'll let you go. Current Mood: sad Disclaimer (3 comments |comment on this)
Monday, January 20th, 2003
9:02 am	Fuck off Kristin, Paula, Simon, everybody. Current Mood: pissed off Disclaimer (10 comments |comment on this)
Tuesday, January 7th, 2003
6:00 pm	Sometimes I wish so badly to hold you that I fall asleep in bed, pillow to my chest, and dreamless sleep haunts my memory of you. Is that cheesy? Maybe. I miss you. I don't pretend. When anyone asks about you, I know my face goes all sullen and I miserably tell them how much I miss you. Yet, it is an extraordinary feeling for me, to miss someone as much as you. I find you amazing, in every way. And I still can't wait to see you again Current Mood: peaceful Disclaimer (2 comments |comment on this)
Monday, January 6th, 2003
10:40 pm	I am so in love it almost hurts. Current Mood: excited Disclaimer (6 comments |comment on this)
Tuesday, December 31st, 2002
8:27 am	Tristen wants to stay up until midnight. I told him if he makes it, I'll give him his first ice cream sandwich of the new year. Simon and I talked it over and we decided that the stress of moving in together while planning a wedding was not a good thing. Plus, Tristen hasn't been in Simon's house while we were sleeping together. I just don't want to set a bad example for when he's older. Not that he would understand now, but I don't want him to grow up like I did..living with my mother in different mens' houses until she settled down. I hated all of them. I want my son to learn the meaning of commitment when he is young, because it took me a long time to learn later. I also know what kind of personality Simon and I have. We'll have some bad fights, I'm sure...but you need to have intense emotion (love and anger) to really have a passionate relationship. I'm just hoping that if we have a marriage between us, it'll hold us together more than just a house deed. Nobody gets kicked out, nobody gets confused...I'm in this thing for the long run, and I hope know Simon is too. I'll be back in LA after New Years, I hope to see Alexis and AJ then! Far as I know, Simon will be back in LA to go through round 2 of the finalists...so hopefully we can be together again in the next few weeks. Current Mood: blank Disclaimer (4 comments |comment on this)
Friday, December 27th, 2002
10:49 am	I'm not one to make rash decisions, anyone can tell you that. I just lose my head sometimes. What could I do? Paula and I have been such good friends, and I know she's going through rough times... Maybe I better explain. Christmas was wonderful. Tristen and I spent Christmas Eve with Simon...who spoiled him rotten. He got so many robots and star wars toys (You know that 100 dollar R2D2 Tristen wanted? Yep.) I brought Simon a jade pendant on a black cord necklace (So he can wear it under his shirt) for good health and good humor (Especially with the new season coming up!). I also got him a watch with 'I love you' engraved on the back...it was beautiful. Aside from that, it was just a beautiful night. I brought Tristen to my mom's after it was all over, because she had a scheme cooked up where he would wake up and see Santa Claus in the middle of the night. He was thrilled when he called me the next morning. Speaking of the next morning, I woke up and Simon was nowhere around. I pulled myself out of bed and put on one of his t-shirts. I went downstairs to find him in his gym beating the hell out of one of his punching bags. I touched his shoulder and he turned around, sweat and perhaps tears running down his face. I asked what was wrong and he said that he just couldn't take any more of Paula's sideways glances, her rubbing his leg, her flipping her hair whenever he glanced in his direction. I really don't blame him. Anyway, the other day, she leaned over and kissed his cheek, with me standing right there. I slapped her. I didn't punch her, I slapped her. Simon has been through way too much anger and frustration. Needless to say, she punched me back square in the jaw. I tried to run at her, but Simon grabbed my arms and held me back. I can't do anything but apologize..to Paula, and to Simon. Current Mood: cold Disclaimer (4 comments |comment on this)
Friday, December 20th, 2002
7:06 am	This week has been fantastic. (Did I mention that a week ago on Wednesday, Nelly and Tristen and Ashanti and I went to Disney's California Adventure? I meant to mention it but I took off to see Simon and..well..here I am. It was wonderful...I wish them the best of luck. I chatted briefly with Ashanti and she seems like a genuinely nice person. Yay you two!) Anyway, Paula keeps giving me the evil eye...I wonder how she's doing? Simon and I are doing very well...he's so busy, but still finds time to spend with me and Tristen. He's a very dedicated man. I love him so much :-) I was sad to see Kelly and Justin deleted...what happened??! tims_babysitter and I got her little brother, Timmy and Tristen together in Central Park on Wednesday..the kids had a BLAST...I'm so happy that Tristen found a new friend, he can't wait to write him letters when we leave. I told him to just enjoy playing with Timmy for now. I think we're taking them out to see Harry Potter this weekend..let me know, Erin! Current Mood: chipper Disclaimer (7 comments |comment on this)